Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Esteem

I have none. I honestly want to disappear. I have no desire to do anything anymore. Nothing gives me joy. I hate myself, my job, and my life.

Being chronically ill is exhausting. I don't have the strength to be happy. To top it all off my ex who just told me a month ago how much he wanted me back and was miserable, now has the perfect girlfriend. She is the exact opposite of me. She's gorgeous, thin, healthy, young, and everything anyone would want in a woman. I think my ex even loves her more than Natalie. All those sweet words about wanting me again were complete bullshit. I should have known, why would anyone want someone as worthless as me?

I'm going away for awhile. I'm turning off my phone and cutting off all social media. I will miss you all.

Take care,
Monica

26 comments:

  1. We feel your pain, but please know that the light is always there. Please reach out anytime...we can give lots of love!!!

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  2. What convinces you that she is "perfect" and you're NOT? None of us are perfect, and you just may be TOO GOOD for him! I'm sure you are. Please don't give up. I went through hell as a kid with spina bifida, and then as a teenager with spina bifida struggling to be "popular."

    But there's only ONE opinion that matters, and that's YOURS. I learned this later on, and if you hold on a bit, you will, too. All of his bullshit won't matter, and "she" won't matter either.

    She's a FOOL to take a man who's cheated. My guess is she's asking for trouble. You're not like "them."

    Be STRONG. Be YOU. <3

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  3. Sending lots of love and light your way. Keep your head up, believe that good things are ahead, focus on YOU, not anyone else. One minute at a time if you have to. Sending lots of good energy your way, please don't give up...xoxo

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  4. Sending lots of love and light your way. Keep your head up, believe that good things are ahead, focus on YOU, not anyone else. One minute at a time if you have to. Sending lots of good energy your way, please don't give up...xoxo

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  5. Hi Monica, we all have tough times. We all have been there before. I don't live with a disability but I have two kids with Down syndrome, and yes, sometimes I find myself desperate, sad, helpless.. but everytime I feel able to overcome these (normal) feelings, I get stronger. From the outside everything looks awesome, wonderful and perfect; but the reality is that we all have tough times, and those times are here to help us evolve, and to help us realize how strong we may be. Take a break! Sometimes that's all that we need. Hugs.

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  6. Sending you lots of love and happy thoughts. I don't know you, but I've been there. Muchisimos abrazos. XOX

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  7. Monica, I want you to truly believe in this: Jesus lives in you and this is no lie. He is inside us because of how much he loves you and how much he knows your worth and value. You are precious and if you want to some time off from the noise in the world, so so but be still in Him, be quite but listen to His mercy speak and give you strength. Moments of silence are always good to find ourselves but the support and encouragement of family and true friends and people like me and the many others that care for you, are so important as well so dont bring walls and let yourself be loved by those who matter. Please let me know how I can help! Hugs! Melissa

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  8. Hi Monica,

    I know you may not know me but I just wanted to let you know that things do get better so just hang in there. I've been through my share of rock bottoms before and I've been in a very similar place where you feel like you don't have the strength to be happy. Take some time for yourself and discover what a truly special person you are. I know I had to step out of social media for a bit to contemplate on life and really detoxify. Sometimes you have to cut off people from you life in order to start a new chapter, I know I had to do that recently when I stopped talking to a couple of my friends who were doing nothing but bringing me down.

    You will be happy but it'll just take a while. I really hope that you discover what a great and beautiful person you are and if you need someone to talk to feel free to email me.

    Best,
    Laura
    www.lauraneuzeth.com

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  9. Thank you for your kind words. I am overwhelmed by your care and concern for me. I'm in a dark place right now and I hope to find light soon. Gracias mil amigas bellas.

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  10. Monica, may there be light and love shining through your dark moments. May you gain the awareness that YOU ARE worthy of love, happiness, prosperity, and that those from your past did not serve that purpose. They are not on your path for a reason - they will not serve YOU best. Never the other way around.

    As much as we (your readers) want to shower you with love, the love needs to come from you. So when you're ready, we'll be here, virtually holding your hand, as you gain the courage to look in the mirror and tell the woman reflected just how much you love her, how important she is, how intelligent and beautiful she is... and just how worthy she is of true happiness.

    Un abrazo from the blogosphere,
    Li

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  11. Monica, I would never share this under other circumstances but I want you to know that I have an idea of what you are feeling because I have been there myself. I have felt the pain I think you might be feeling and I had a very hard time getting through it. But I did. And you will too. There are people in this world who love you and see you for who you are, what you bring into this world and VALUE it. Right now it might seem like there is no end to your suffering but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. you just have to opn your eyes long enough to see it. I'm sending you lots of love and light.

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  12. I believe that in life things happen for a reason. In the moment we don't see that reason because we cannot see past the pain we feel which has consumed all our energy. Know this though.....it will pass. You will live on, and guess what, you ARE going to come out of this so much stronger than when you fell into this dark place. I've been in this dark place before. Sadly it may happen again, but the next time you find yourself going down this road of darkness, you will know where it leads and you won't want to keep following. You will search for the light in any possible way and IT WILL find you somehow, as long as you keep your heart open. Right now, FOCUS ON YOU is all I can say. YOUR being, YOUR light are all that matter right now. You are the better person here. Remember that! And I can almost guarantee that when you find your light again, she will not look so hot anymore. She will look quite the opposite. Trust me on this. Stay with us hermana. I feel your pain. But it will pass if you give it time. Like Kathy said above..."one minute at a time if you have to." Give yourself time.

    Sending you a big and tight hug,

    Stephanie Chavez

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  13. Monica, I will pray so that the light of God will touch your soul and give you the strength to overcome this experience. Your health is very precious. Take control with a positive mind, faith, and proper medical care to help manage your chronic illness. We all fall down in our own journey's, but we must get up and move forward with lots of courage, faith, and determination. Sending you a big.

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  14. Monica, you are perfect in your imperfection. I wish you could see yourself the way I do. Sending healing hugs sweet lady <3

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  15. Monica, sending you a million hugs and unending prayers! I've been there. I know the pain and sadness. It's not easy and yes it's a very dark place. Please do not be afraid to ask for help or just find someone to talk to. I'll DM you right now. Let me know if you need anything!! Hoping you feel better soon! xo

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  16. I never imagined that there were so many beautiful people in this world. I am so close to giving up, I don't know how to smile anymore. Thank you all for sending healing light, energy, and prayers.

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  17. I am a complete stranger to you, we have never met and probably we never will, but as I read your post I couldn't just click away. I want you to know that you are not alone, that many of us can relate to your pain and we have been in the very same dark place that is keeping you from seeing the love that is around you. I'm sending you lots of good vibes and positive energy.

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  18. Sending much love and light to you. I've been in that place as well. Just this week, I'm starting therapy again and seeing a psychiatrist. Seek help. You have beauty inside you. I've seen it online. Sometimes, some of us just need a little guidance. Please never give up on you. <3

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  19. Monica, wishing you peace in your heart and the courage to move forward to create a better life for you. Never give up...there is much good in this world to discover. It is his loss. Letting go of that pain is hard...but when you do....something greater will come to you. Trust me on this.

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  20. I am trying to get better. I still want to disappear but that is selfish. The weight of the world is just so heavy right now. I don't know how much more I can take. I wish I were more like all of you. Thank you for being rays of hope and light. Gracias mil.

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  21. We all need a moment sometimes...........I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you.

    Peace.

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  22. I want you all to know that I read your comments all the time. Knowing that I am surrounded by such strong and caring people makes the pain tolerable.

    I am slowly getting out of this dark place I have found myself in lately. All of you mean the world to me.

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  23. Every time I read through these comments I feel better. The day I wrote this post I didn't want to live anymore. I am so glad I didn't give up. I'm so grateful for each and every person who took the time to comment. All of you saved my life. I thank God for all of you.

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  24. So very happy about that! Love and ight to you!! xo!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Kathy :). I wish the same for you!

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