Choices

I haven't been sleeping well. The pressure points hurt because of my mattress. I've done the research and it seems that a fiberbed mattress topper may help ease the pain. I found one online at Sears late last night. It's a reasonable price but now I won't have enough for food. It's okay because this lack of sleep is my biggest concern right now.

I want to write happy and upbeat posts. One day soon I hope things will be better. Stress is making me spend most of the day crying. I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy and healthy. Sometimes I just want to give up and go away forever, but that's not the answer.

I know I have to stay strong, but when your life is crumbling around you, the medical bills looming, it's almost impossible not to want to put an end to everything. God says He will not give you more than you can bear. I'm at that point right now. I'm cold, hungry, stressed out, and scared.

I'll be okay... Just going to take life a minute at a time. Take care and thank you for stopping by my blog!

Despondent,
Monica

July 11th

Our baby would have been 10 years old today.

I've been throwing myself into social media, LeBron James' lack of a decision, Krispy Kreme's 77th Birthday, wedding stuff none of it is working. I just want to cry. Maybe that's what I should do. Things might have turned out different if little Nick made it. I always say everything happens for a reason. I hate that saying now...

Triste,
Monica

Today...

Update...

No more tears, well at least for now. I guess I was just having one of those days. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.

I just needed some time off and a lot of rest. Stress is bad for everyone. It made me crack. I was crying and super depressed. Stress also triggered two days of flares. Ugh.

I feel so much better now. I'm enjoying life again. I'm functioning like a productive member of society. I will also do my part to stimulate the economy by doing all of my Christmas shopping tomorrow.

Besos,
Monica

Tears...

It's four days before Christmas. One of my favorite holidays. I haven't done anything to prepare for it:
    -no Christmas cards sent
    -no gifts bought for anyone other than mi sobrinito
    -no food purchased
    -no plans made.

I'm sitting here on my lunch break at work bawling my eyes out watching depressing videos on AOL music. I'm so sad I can't even function. I know I have to get myself together. Christmas will be here. Mi hija is home from college. I know she's wondering what's wrong with me. Why I'm not my usual self. Why I'm not running around like crazy. Why I haven't bought any presents or wrapped any gifts.

Maybe it's because I am sad. This has been an awful year. I have been through so much. I've held it all together for so long. I've put up with so much. I've given to everyone. I've been everyone's support system. I've tried to make everyone happy.

I look back on 2010 and see a bunch of sadness, hurt, and pain. I see a man that promised to love and respect me before God hurt me and leave me over and over again. I've seen my baby girl grow up and move far away. I've had mi madre make comments that sliced my heart open. I've been near death and transported via ambulance to the hospital.

I don't know how much more of this year I can take...

Triste,
Monica